The Muckrakers’ Guide to Ass Kickery

I dreamed I met John Rambo, and he kicked my ass
I dreamed I danced with Chaka Khan and then she kicked my ass
I dreamed I met Grimace and the Hamburgler, and they tag teamed kicking my ass
And I dreamed I sang with Elvis, and then he kicked my ass

‘cause everybody needs an ass kickin’
Even me too
Everybody needs an ass kickin’
Yeah, even you

I dreamed I met Barry Obama, and I kicked his ass
And I dreamed I met Donald Trump, and then I kicked his ass
I dreamed I met the secretary of defense and I was laser focused as I kicked his ass
I dreamed I met sleepy Joe Biden, but it wasn’t worth my time to kick his clueless ass

‘cause everybody needs an ass kickin’
Even me too
Everybody needs an ass kickin’
Yeah, even you

I dreamed I met Gary Carter, and we had a catch
I dreamed I met Jimmy Carter and we built a house
I dreamed that I was poignant and I dreamed that I was just
I dreamed the world respected faith and honor and truth

‘cause everybody needs an ass kickin’
Even me too
Everybody needs an ass kickin’
Yeah, even you

I awoke with optimism believing that it could be true
But I flipped on the news and it was still centered on hate
I looked out my window and I saw two neighbors fighting beside a fresh pile of turd
And the stench of loathing hit me like a blow from Tyson in his prime

‘cause everybody needs an ass kickin’
Even me too
Everybody needs an ass kickin’
Yeah, even you

So I took some Benadryl and I washed it down with some NyQuil
And I drifted to the land of nod with a smile on my face
And when I awake I hope the world has found its way
But if not there’s gonna be a lot of ass kickin’ goin’ round

‘cause everybody needs an ass kickin’
especially me too
'cause sometimes everybody needs an ass kickin’
one day they'll be coming for you

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